Putting a twist on its annual Queer Guide, The Portland Mercury says “it’s simply a matter of time” before same-sex marriage is legal in the U.S., so it’s time to start planning your same-sex wedding:

Ask any opposite-sex married couple: Weddings are insanely difficult and time consuming to plan. You have to choose the location, the officiant, the caterer, the seating arrangement, the gown(s) or tuxedo(s), the DJ, the honeymoon spot… GASP! Even if same-sex marriage isn’t nationally approved for another five years, you’re already WAY behind schedule. Lucky for you the Mercury is here with tons of same-sex wedding tips that are so easy to understand, even dumb opposite-sex couples can use ’em!

No need to thank us… just have a beautiful wedding.